


In Which Garrus Gets an Anatomy Lesson

by The_Red_Celt



Series: The Hilarious Exploits of Garrus Vakarian [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Awkward Conversations, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-08
Updated: 2013-01-08
Packaged: 2017-11-24 04:37:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/630511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Red_Celt/pseuds/The_Red_Celt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Garrus is looking for ways to make the night before hitting the Omega-4 relay a memorable occasion.  Luckily, the Citadel's human sex-shop owner is there to give him some pointers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Which Garrus Gets an Anatomy Lesson

Garrus walked into the store, feeling more and more like a pervert every second. From outside, the place was unassuming and even the name—Simple Pleasures—didn’t give much away. Inside, though, was a different story altogether. There were several smaller rooms that led off of the entrance area-slash-check-out counter, each with a sign printed in red script over the doorway: Clothes (never was there a looser interpretation of that word, he thought as he glanced at what looked to be tangles of straps depending from plastic hangers), Videos, Toys, and one that read “For Adventurous Types” which sparked his curiosity. 

For all the turians’ talk of casual sex, it was in the area of kinky sex that his people were still behind. The asari had always been the most likely to use toys and play around in the bedroom but humans, when they’d been officially accepted onto the Citadel, were notorious for being the freakiest species anyone had ever seen. Their porn alone was enough to make the most liberal asari raise her eyebrows, not to mention the amount and types of fetishes they had. The more he thought about Shepard and her suggestion that they get together for some stress relief, the more he wondered if he’d gotten in over his head.

He was wandering around the ‘toy’ section, not really sure what he was looking for, when a young human woman came up to him. Her arms were sleeved in tattoos and she had a dozen piercings in her ears, including the large open hole in the lobe that so many humans seemed fond of. He almost expected her to jingle when she walked, she was sporting so much metal.

“Good afternoon, sir,” she said, all smiles as she pushed a lock of bright pink hair behind her ear. “Are you looking for anything in particular?”

“I . . . well, I’m not sure.” He considered whether or not he wanted to tell her what his problem was. “Do you have any vids on interspecies . . . uh, relations?”

She smiled and the light winked off the ring in her nose. “Sure, right this way.” She led him into the video room and pointed to a rack of wall-to-wall display cards with download codes in the corner. There had to be hundreds of them, and he groaned inwardly. “Was there any species in particular you were looking for?”

“Turian-human?”

“That’s one of the rarer ones, so there aren’t very many,” she said apologetically, and showed him the shelf with the relevant vids. There were maybe fifteen of them and glanced at the titles. There was one that looked promising—“Skin and Plates: A Guide to the Turian and Human Anatomy”, but upon further inspection turned out to be more clinical and less practical than he’d like. 

“Thanks for your time,” he said, and turned to leave.

“I might be overstepping here,” said the sales girl, “but I could help, if you want.”

“Help me how?”

“You’re not the first turian to come in here looking for a tutorial on human women, you know,” she said. “I happen to be something of an expert on the subject, so if you want a basic overview of what to do, I’d be happy to help. Free of charge, of course,” she added with a wink.

“Uh, sure. If you have time, that is.”

“No problem. Come on.” They went back up to the counter and she sat on the stool behind it. “So, give me the rundown.”

“Huh?”

“Tell me about the lucky lady,” she elaborated. 

“Well, uh . . . hmmm.” Where to start? “We’ve known each other for a long time, and we’re good friends. A few days ago, she let me know that she was interested, and now—“

“—you’re looking for ways to rock her world?”

“Pretty much, yeah.”

“Gotcha.” She rummaged under the counter and emerged with a silicone model of the lower half of a human female torso. It was the last thing Garrus had expected to see and he blinked in surprise, but it was obvious she handled things like that all the time as she casually set it on the counter. “Okay, this is the human vagina,” she said, turning it his direction. “We’ve got all sorts of cute names for it—pussy, vag, clam, cunt, ham wallet—“

“I get the idea,” he said drily.

“Yeah, okay. Anyway, this is your basic shape. Sometimes it’ll look a bit different—the inner lips, those flaps of skin right there, might be bigger, or she’ll have hair, or whatever—but it’s got all the important parts.” She pulled the folds open and he found himself leaning in for a closer inspection. She pointed at a small nub at the top. “This is the clit. It’s your magic button; you can make a woman orgasm a lot easier with this than anything else, if you know how to do it.”

“So how do I do it?” he asked. The sales girl’s casual attitude was putting him more at ease about this than he’d been for days. 

“With your finger, or your tongue.”

“Tongue? Human women are into that?” Turians did something similar, but humans and their oral fixations had made up a significant amount of the talk around the water cooler back in C-Sec.

“Oh, yeah. There’s no set pattern; you can go around in circles, or from side to side, or pull the hood back—like this—and flick it, whatever you want. Be nice if you go under the hood, though, you can accidentally over-stimulate her if you’re not careful,” she said, demonstrating with her finger. 

This was turning out to be more complicated than he’d thought.

“But licking everywhere is good. Up through here, and around the entrance here. Now, you might hit on a good rhythm. You’ll know if you do, because you’ll get a lot of shaking thighs, maybe some more moaning—my point is, she’ll let you know. If she does that, _stay where you are_ and keep doing whatever it is you’re doing, because you’re about to make her come.”

“Okay.” The thought of Shepard moaning, her thighs tightening around his head as he tasted her . . . he quashed that train of thought before he made a noise or otherwise embarrassed himself. 

“Do you cut your talons?”

The question caught him off-guard and it took him a second to reorient himself. “Uh, no, I keep them long. Why?”

“Because if you’re going to use your fingers on her, you’re gonna want to cut them. Nothing spoils the mood quite like evisceration.”

“Oh . . . Spirits, I could have gone the rest of my life without that visual.”

“Sorry,” she said, and turned quickly back to the model. “I mentioned it because there’s another thing you can do, but it involves putting your fingers inside.” She poked the tip of her finger into the model’s opening and wiggled it around a little. “There’s a spot in here, about a few inches in and toward the front, that’s called the g-spot. Don’t ask me why. Anyway, a g-spot orgasm is about the most intense feeling in the universe.”

That got his attention. “Oh, really?”

“Yeah. Now, your fingers are longer than a human’s so you shouldn’t have any problem reaching it. You’re looking for a slightly rougher patch of skin, and I think this model . . . yeah, there it is.” She removed her finger and motioned him closer. “Stick your finger in there and see if you can find it.”

It took a little maneuvering, but he eventually managed to locate the spot she was talking about. He also understood what she meant about cutting his nails—humans were tighter and softer than turian females, and he could really do some damage if he wasn’t careful.

“What you want to do is curl your finger like you’re telling someone to come here, like this,” she said, demonstrating. “It feels really good, but it can also feel like you have to pee if you’re new to the experience. Just go slow and work her into it—it might take a while, but the results are _totally_ worth it.” She set the model aside and took a deep breath. “Okay, now we move onto the tits.” She grabbed her chest and said, “These are tits. We have cute names for them, too, but that’s not important.” With a furtive glance at the door, she reached back under her shirt and started fumbling with something.

“What are you do—oh, okay, wow.” The girl had gotten her bra off without even removing her shirt (which he had to admit was impressive) and proceeded to pull said shirt up to show him her breasts. “You can put them away now.”

“Do you want to learn or don’t you?” Humans with zero body-shyness were something Garrus hadn’t encountered very often (apart from strippers, streakers, and the occasional instance of drunken nakedness), but he did want to make his experience with Shepard a memorable one . . . 

“Yes, I do. Proceed.”

“All right,” she muttered, as if to say _Prude_ , and he rolled his eyes. “As I was saying, these are tits. They’re supposed to be used for feeding babies, but they’re also a secondary sex organ. This part—this darker bit here—this is the areola, and the little nubbin here in the middle is the nipple. You can lick it, suck it, flick it, rub it—whatever you want, and if she’s anything like me, it’ll feel really good. Keep in mind, though: they’re sensitive. And attached. So be kind to the titties, and they will be kind to you, got it?”

“I got it.” _I think._

“Now, I won’t get into anal or fisting or anything like that—“

“ _Fisting?_ ” He really hoped that didn’t mean what he thought it meant. 

“—and based on what I’ve seen of turian porn, the way your people fuck is pretty similar to the way humans do it. The one thing I’ve never seen, though, is what’s called the ‘doggy-style’ position, where the woman’s on all fours in front of you and you—“

“Yeah, I get it.” That had been something covered in the vids Mordin had sent over. He had no idea what to make of the fact that the salarian doctor had such an extensive porn collection.

“Anyway, that one’s a lot of fun. Also, if she’s on her back you can raise her legs or kinda fold her knees up toward her chest and do it like that—that’ll get you angled toward the g-spot I was talking about.”

Garrus wasn’t sure if all humans were as flexible as this girl was making them out to be, but he fully intended to find out. All this talk was putting some really interesting images in his head and he wanted to get back to the Normandy to do a little more . . . hands-on research.

“So, that’s about it. You’ve got enough to start with, anyway.” She put her shirt back down almost as an afterthought, but left the bra where it lay on the floor. “Have fun, and let me know if there’s anything else you need.”

He wound up buying a bottle of lubricant that was supposed to be safe for dual-chirality use and headed back to the ship.

Shepard was in for one big surprise tonight.  
__________

Anita arrived at Simple Pleasures two days later to unlock the doors and set out the new stock of double-headed vibrators (“now in krogan size!” proclaimed the box) with a head full of preparations she needed to make before opening for the day when she noticed a white box beside the door. She frowned; the delivery guys knew to put all packages by the back doors, but sometimes there was a new guy who screwed up. She took the box inside and noticed there was a small card attached when she set it on the counter. 

_We can’t thank you enough for your help. Your lessons have made us a very happy couple. :)  
Signed, J. Shepard and G.Vakarian_

Vakarian, that sounded like a turian name . . . and then she remembered the turian who came in a few days ago and smiled to herself. She flipped back the lid and inside was a round layer cake with blue flowers on it. She laughed out loud, plunking down on her stool just before her knees gave out. She’d given lessons before and it always brightened her day to know she’d made someone happy, but no one had ever gone so far as to thank her with cake. He must really have done a good job. 

She was still chuckling when she went to the back room to put the cake in the break room, and made a mental note to find herself a turian boyfriend as soon as possible.


End file.
